You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize