He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
