she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
