I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
