Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
