Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
