24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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