how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
