No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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