I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Randomize
