Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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