Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
