I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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