I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
