Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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