What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
