I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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