yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
