I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
