I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
