There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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