Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
