Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
