I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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