I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
