Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
