im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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