It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
