She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
