i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
