dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
