an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
