Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
