I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
