So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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