The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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