My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
