Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
