The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
