Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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