That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
