i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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