thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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