Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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