You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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