Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So much rum. So many feels.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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