it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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