Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
