And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
