So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I am midnight drunk by noon
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
