it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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