i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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