Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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