Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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