She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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