Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
